Disenfranchised Grief:

Honoring the Losses That Go Unseen

Dear friends, Grief is one of the most complex parts of being human. And it becomes even heavier when the world doesn’t recognize your loss. This is called disenfranchised grief - grief that isn’t supported, acknowledged, or validated. When our pain doesn’t “fit” society’s idea of what grief should look like, we may feel invisible, silenced, or even ashamed. Below are some of the ways disenfranchised grief shows up in your life. You may see yourself in one or several of these experiences. Unrecognized Relationships Sometimes the world doesn’t see or value the bonds that matter most. When a relationship is hidden, private, or outside of what society readily accepts, the grief that follows is often silenced, as well. This may include:

• Mourning a partner you had to keep private or a secret for safety or personal reasons.
• Grieving in a polyamorous relationship, where the loss of a non-primary partner may not be understood or acknowledged.
• The death of a casual partner, sexual partner, or friend with benefits, especially when the connection was meaningful but kept private.
• Relationships in the LGBTQI+ community that are not validated by others, while many folks are more “out” now than in previous times, some still cannot grieve safely if their relationships are not accepted or seen by others in their family, work communities, etc.
• The loss of an ex-partner you remained close to.
• Mourning an online friend, pen pal, or distant bond that others dismiss.
• Feeling the absence of an unknown or disconnected parent or sibling.

Losses Considered “Less Significant” Some losses are minimized or dismissed, but they can be just as life-altering: Breakups or estrangement. Adoption that falls through. A loved one’s dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. Loss of health, mobility, or independence. Loss of possessions, safety, or even your home country. The death of a mentor, teacher, student, patient, or pet. Grieving someone outside your immediate circle, like a long-term neighbor or the child of a close friend. It is a relationship that often matters deeply but may be overlooked.

Stigmatized Loss

When judgment and shame overshadow compassion, grief becomes harder to share:

• Death by suicide or overdose.
• Grief after abortion.
• Miscarriage or stillbirth.
• Estrangement from a loved one living with addiction, severe mental illness, or cognitive decline or as seen lately in our increasingly polarized political landscape, one who has different political, social or personal values.
• Losing someone who is incarcerated or convicted of a crime.

Exclusion From Mourning

Society often decides who has the “right” to grieve. But grief belongs to anyone with a bond:

• The loss of a best friend, classmate, or co-worker.
• Extended family members or “honorary relatives.”
• A patient, client, or mentor.
• A beloved animal companion.

Grief Outside the Rules

Cultural norms often prescribe how grief should look, but real grief rarely fits:

• Taking longer to heal than others expect.
• Expressing grief differently than family or community members.
• Carrying ongoing grief that doesn’t “fade” with time.

Recently, someone close to me shared a hidden grief with me. I felt honored to be trusted with their story, and it reminded me how rare it is to have a safe space for this kind of honesty. So many people carry their losses quietly, afraid of shame, judgment, or dismissal.

When I look outward, I see how disenfranchised grief is woven into our world, too. Policies, war, and global instability create losses that aren’t always named but are deeply felt: safety, home, belonging. People in places of ongoing conflict, such as Ukraine, Gaza / Palestine, Sudan, Yemen, Syria, Ethiopia, Myanmar, Afghanistan, Democratic Republic of the Congo, and others, are grieving not only loved ones but also the loss of steady ground beneath them.

And it’s not only those living within those borders. People around the world who have family ties, cultural connections, or close relationships to these regions often grieve in silence. Their pain can be compounded by politics, polarization, or a lack of understanding from those around them. This can leave them feeling isolated, unseen, and disenfranchised in their grief.

Beyond the Headlines Not all grief is tied to the places we see daily in international news. Many people carry grief for countries that are rarely spotlighted, yet where instability, violence, or political repression shape everyday life. For those with roots, family, or connections to these regions, the pain can feel doubly invisible. Some of these include: El Salvador: Experiencing democratic backsliding, with recent declines in political rights and civil liberties. Haiti: Struggling with gang violence, political instability, and humanitarian collapse. Venezuela: Enduring a long-running economic and political crisis with profound impacts on daily life.

• Thailand: Attempts at civilian rule are undercut by political instability and the influence of the military and monarchy.
• Bangladesh: Adjusting to a new government following protests in 2024, while still facing limits on political freedoms.

For those connected to these places, grief may include not only fear for loved ones but also frustration that their losses remain largely unseen by the wider world. This, too, is a form of disenfranchised grief, mourning in silence for places and people the global community has overlooked.

Beyond global conflict, I also notice the grief carried by many young people today. In therapy rooms and daily conversations, they voice a sense of hopelessness around gun violence, political instability, the rising cost of higher education, and the looming weight of climate change. These losses aren’t always framed as grief, yet they represent a mourning of safety, opportunity, and the belief in a secure future. When that grief goes unnamed, it risks turning into despair. Naming it as grief opens the door to compassion and healing.

A Gentle Invitation

If this resonates with you, I invite you to pause and reflect.

Journaling Prompts

• What loss in my life feels invisible to others?
• If I could speak about it freely, what would I want someone else to understand about how it affects me?
• What grief do I carry for people or places I am connected to, even if I am far away?
• What do I grieve about the future: safety, opportunity, stability, or the earth itself, and what helps me still hold on to hope?

Self-Inquiry

• Where in my life do I feel silenced or afraid of being judged in my grief?
• What might it look like to give myself permission to grieve, even if no one else recognizes my loss?
• How do I carry the grief of living in a world that sometimes feels less safe, and what helps me feel steadied in that?

There is so much more to say about grief, and how it takes shape in different corners of our lives. I’ll be sharing more in future reflections, as together we explore what it looks like to honor loss in all its forms.

In the weeks ahead, I’ll also be writing about ways we can process grief in our own lives and how to support others who are grieving. These conversations matter deeply, and I hope that they offer both comfort and practical tools.

Until then, may you find gentleness for your own hidden grief, and compassion for the unseen griefs of others.

With warmth,
​ Audrianna Joy

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