When the Group Text Tightens Your Chest
This one is for everyone whose body reacts before their brain does during the holidays.
Maybe you’re an adult child navigating distance or “low contact.” Maybe you’re a parent trying to understand why things feel so different now. Maybe you’re the sibling, partner, or grandparent caught in the middle—loving people on both sides and wishing it didn’t have to be this hard.
For some people, the holidays feel like cinnamon, fairy lights, and comfort.
For others, the minute a family group text pings, the body responds first: tight chest, shallow breath, irritability, dread, a sudden urge to disappear.
If that’s you, I want to say this plainly: you’re not broken. You’re not “too sensitive.” And you’re not alone.
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What Estrangement Really Looks Like
Family estrangement isn’t just a dramatic “no contact” storyline. It often includes low contact, limited contact, or surface-level connections that keep the peace but cost something internally.
And it’s more common than most people think. The Cornell Family Estrangement & fReconciliation Project estimates more than a quarter of Americans (27%) are currently estranged from a close relative. familyreconciliation.org
Estrangement usually isn’t one dramatic moment.
Sometimes there is a final incident. But often it’s a slow accumulation: repeated criticism, control, emotional manipulation, boundary violations, or the experience of being treated like an extension of a parent rather than a whole person.
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The Guardian’s reporting has captured something many families recognize: even when the cutoff looks sudden, it often sits on top of years of unmet needs and unrepaired pain—and it can be heartbreaking for both sides. The Guardian
“But That Was So Long Ago…
why can’t you just get over it?”
This is one of the most common—and most wounding—lines families get stuck in.
Because the pain usually isn’t only the original event. It’s also what happened next: minimizing, denial, dismissal, defensiveness, or the sense that naming hurt automatically turns you into “ungrateful.” For many adult kids, the deepest injury is: I tried to be honest, and I got punished for it.
And this is where generational differences matter. Many Gen X / younger Boomer parents grew up in families where you didn’t speak directly to your parents about emotional harm—and certainly didn’t expect accountability or repair. Many Millennials and Gen Z adults have more mental-health language, more permission to name impact, and stronger cultural support for boundaries. That gap can create misunderstanding even when both sides are hurting.
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Holiday Expectation Management
If you read my recent piece on expectation management, this is the holiday version:
Before you decide what you’re doing this season, ask:
- What am I hoping will happen?
- What usually happens?
- What would I need for this to be “safe enough”?
Sometimes expectation management looks like:
- “I’m going, but I’m not trying to win understanding.”
- “I’ll send a card, not my nervous system.”
- “I can do 90 minutes, not a whole weekend.”
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A holiday reframe: grief and relief can coexist
Estrangement is often painted as either empowerment or tragedy. Many people experience both.
You can protect your peace and grieve what you didn’t get.
You can miss someone and know contact would cost you too much.
You can hold compassion for a parent’s limitations and still choose distance.
If this is where you are, it doesn’t mean you’re confused. It means you’re human.
If you’re choosing low contact or no contact
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You don’t owe a full explanation to protect your mental health. Short is allowed.
A few simple scripts:
“I’m keeping things quiet this holiday season.”“I’m taking space for my mental health. I’m not discussing details.”“I can do a brief call, but I’m not up for a visit.”
Clear. Kind. Done.
If repair is possible, these are the moves that help most
Not every relationship is safe to repair. And not every person is capable of repair. But when it is possible, these are the relational “muscles” that matter:
- Lead with accountability, not a defense brief.
- “I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you. I want to understand” lands differently than “I did my best.”
- Ask what would help—then listen without debate.
- Not every claim will feel fair. You can still be curious.
- Don’t recruit relatives to pressure them back
- Triangling tends to harden the wall.
- Offer a small, consistent bridge.
- One respectful message a month can be more powerful than emotional floods.
One hopeful note (without fairy tales)
Estrangement isn’t always permanent—and it isn’t always linear.
The American Psychological Association reported that among adult children with a history of estrangement, 81% reconciled with their mothers and 69% with their fathers. American Psychological Association+1 Academic research has also reported similar “un-estrangement” patterns over time. PMC
Reconciliation doesn’t mean pretending. When it works, it often looks like smaller contact, clearer boundaries, different expectations, and support.
Journal prompts
Choose one. And if you can, “bookend” your writing—deep breaths, a short walk, a glass of water—before you jump back into your day.
- What am I expecting from my family that they have not historically been able to give me?
- If I protect my peace this holiday season, what might I grieve—and what might I gain?
- What boundary would make contact “safe enough,” and what’s my exit plan if it isn’t respected?
- If repair were possible someday, what would accountability look like in behavior (not just words)?
- What do I want my traditions to mean now—in this chapter of my life?
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If you want to reply, I’d love one line:
Are the holidays hard for you because of conflict, distance, or grief?
Warmly,
Audrianna
Sources + further reading
- Cornell Family Estrangement & Reconciliation Project FAQ (prevalence estimate: 27%) familyreconciliation.org
- APA Monitor on Psychology (estrangement, healing, and reconciliation rates) American Psychological Association
- Ohio State News on “un-estrangement” ending over time (81% mothers / 69% fathers) Ohio State News
- The Guardian on adult children going “no contact” and the complicated realities on both sides The Guardian
Further reading (books)
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents — Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD (clear language for naming patterns, plus practical ways to heal and relate differently). New Harbinger Publications, Inc
- Rules of Estrangement — Joshua Coleman, PhD (a parent-side lens on what adult children often mean by “distance,” and what repair attempts can look like when done well). Penguin Random House
- Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them — Karl Pillemer, PhD (research + real stories on rifts, boundaries, and realistic pathways forward). Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.+1
